Healthy boundaries are essential for our physical and mental wellbeing. Boundaries define how we relate to ourselves and the world around us. They delineate what is and isn’t acceptable to us – what we allow in and what we allow out. When they function well, boundaries are healthy containers, protecting us and creating safety and comfort.
Boundaries can take many forms – including physical, intellectual and emotional – and apply to every aspect of our lives. Clear, well-communicated boundaries are vital for creating trust and respect in all of our relationships, whether personal or professional. Essentially, boundaries are about knowing where we stop and the other starts. They promote deeper connection from a balanced place, defining how we wish to be treated and what is and isn’t permissible. They also help us to avoid merging or ‘fusing’ with others and indiscriminately taking on their wants, needs and opinions. This supports us to avoid becoming physically or emotionally exhausted and resentful. In this way, boundaries are fundamental for a healthy balance of independence and interdependence in our relationships.
What is a well-functioning boundary?
Ideally, boundaries enable us to receive what we need from the outside world, while protecting us from what we don’t want to take in. A good analogy for this is the membranes around every cell within our bodies. These membranes are semi-permeable boundaries, absorbing what is needed for the health of the cell, while filtering and safeguarding against harmful substances, in order to maintain a balanced environment within the cell. In the same way, the boundaries we create in our lives help us to absorb what we need and to filter out what we don’t, to preserve our wellbeing.
Boundaries: the challenges
Setting and upholding boundaries can be challenging. It requires self-awareness, and an ability to discern what is right for us. It also requires finding a balance. Without strong enough boundaries, we can become overly ‘permeable’, allowing too much of something that doesn’t support our wellbeing. At the other extreme, we may end up setting overly rigid boundaries that become walls, blocking us from opening to connection and what we need from the outside world.
It’s important to remember that there’s no fixed right or wrong – it’s all about finding our own equilibrium. How this healthy balance looks for us can also shift, depending on the different moments and circumstances of our lives. What feels appropriate at one time may not be right for us at another. The key is attuning to inner awareness and allowing this to be a guide.
Another barrier to creating boundaries is that we may feel uncomfortable asserting ourselves. Many of us find it difficult to set boundaries for fear of rejection or being disliked. Remember: setting limits can be one of the highest forms of self-care. It’s vital to be able to stand up for our own needs and interests, even if they don’t match what others want. Of course, compromise has a place. But when we consistently compromise at our own expense, our wellbeing pays the price. Keeping this in mind can help us to find the courage to stand for ourselves, even when it isn’t easy.
Creating healthy boundaries
The first step to setting boundaries is to become aware of what is impacting you. Is there an area in your life where you feel you need to set limits or parameters? How does this play out? And what changes would you like to put in place? Reflecting on these questions can help you to determine what boundaries need to be drawn.
From this place of clarity, the next step is to communicate your boundaries. Aim to be clear, kind and assertive, focusing on sharing what is important to you and what you need in a respectful way.
Having communicated your boundaries, it’s also important to uphold them. That means checking in with yourself about whether the boundaries you have set are being respected – and what you choose to do if they are crossed. Determining this at the outset can make it easier to follow through if your boundaries aren’t being respected.
It’s important to remember that setting boundaries gets easier with practice. If it’s uncomfortable, try starting small and keep focusing on the benefits that boundaries bring. The more we uphold healthy limits in our lives, the more we pave the way to living with greater ease, peace and wellbeing.Back to News